Happy New Year! I hope you had amazing times with your family over the holidays.
This year has started out rather rough for my husband and I as one of our closest friends passed away suddenly on January 5th. We were a group of 8 who got together several times a year and especially at New Years. The girls get together monthly for dinner and cards or a movie. We have been there for each other as our parents have passed on or have been ill. I never thought one of us would go so soon.
Our friend had C.I.D.P. (a chronic counterpart of Guillain-Barre Syndrome where the immune system attacks the myelin covers of the nerves.) He became a quadriplegic. Nothing would stop him though as he and his electric wheelchair zipped around London on the buses.
He came to visit my husband just before his bypass surgery. That meant so much to us as we were terrified! As a Doctor he knew how his life would change but carried on, in spite of his limitations. He maintained his sense of dry humour. He was quiet in many ways but such a good listener and was so supportive to his clients.
Recently he bought a vehicle which was wheelchair accessible, so he could go further afield to see friends and relatives. I know he loved having more freedom. He always made time for you if you needed his help. He was one of the smartest people I know, yet never flaunted that. You are so missed my dear friend. Fly free and far.
I have listed the five stages of grief for those who might need to see these. I am still in denial that he is gone as he was such a part of my life for close to 20 years.
- Denial & Isolation: This is the first reaction we have that can carry us through the first wave of pain. This applies whether it is a sudden death, or just learning about a terminal illness.
- Anger: When pain starts to emerge after denial & isolation, often we are not ready to handle it. This is when anger appears. It can be directed towards inanimate objects, strangers or friends & family. It can also be directed towards the person who is dying or who has died. Often health professionals are targeted as well.
- Bargaining: Occurs when there are feelings of helplessness and a need to be able to control things again. There is a feeling of vulnerability. There can also be thoughts that we wished we had done things differently e.g. Wishing you had sought out medical help earlier. Some people bargain with God or a higher power for a different outcome.
- Depression: This type of depression comes with mourning for your loved one. There can often be feelings of sadness and regret. As well you may be looking at the cost of a funeral & burial. There could also be some guilt re not spending as much time as we feel we should on other family members e.g. your Husband & children. There may be a withdrawal as you prepare to separate and say goodbye to your loved one. Offering a hug to someone at this time is most beneficial. Quietly listening to them helps them process their journey of grief.
- Acceptance: Not everyone gets to this stage and if they do it is a gift. This is a stage of withdrawal and calm. This will not be a period of happiness and it must be distinguished from depression.
I know from experience with my parents passing that I will get through this grief. Us girls will get through this too as we support each other through this process.
Times like these are reminders to be gentle with yourself. Know that anger may come out and it may even be directed at you, however, it is all part of the grieving process. Take some time for yourself.
Find out what your friend needs. I know we want to help with food, flowers etc. There is such a thing as too many casseroles! Sometimes they need a shoulder to cry on, or some solitude from all that is happening. Take them out for lunch to forget life for a short while. This is especially important after the funeral when they are alone.
In a way, this was a reminder for me to appreciate all my friends, family and clients. Without you this grief would have been way more difficult. You never know where life will take you, or how long any of us have on this planet. Live life everyday. Tell people you care. Call them up if it has been a while. Texting is great, but hearing your voice is so much better. Don’t avoid them because you don’t know what to say to them. A hug can be enough. They just don’t want to do this journey alone.
Thank you for reading. I know 2018 is going to be amazing in so many ways. My friend’s loving spirit will be with me always and I will treasure this gift.
