I can’t believe how quickly time flies as you get older. Didn’t we just have summer (sort of?)
November is a month of in betweens. Not only is it in between fall and winter but the temperatures can vary greatly as well. I don’t know about you, but winter does not sound good to me just yet! I do however love the fluffy snow covering everything. I just do not appreciate the shovelling etc. involved with this. Fortunately I have a neighbour who loves to snow blow not only his driveway, but many of the neighbours as well. We do so appreciate this!
This November is pretty special for me as I get to welcome my next Grandbaby girl*. This will be #6. So five girls and one boy! They are all five and under. It is hard to believe that six years ago I was hoping for a grandchild. Now I have them in spades and they are all so darn cute and each has a unique personality. I feel totally blessed. Though they are fairly far away, I am glad to be living in this day and age where you can Skype them.
This matter has come up a few times in the past month. The subject is grieving. In both cases these women had lost their mothers. One was sudden and the other with a prolonged illness. Both were still shocked at the outcomes and the feeling of great loss. Both left a hole in their lives as they were not only a mother, but a good supportive friend. As you may know there are five stages to grieving.
- Denial & Isolation: This is the first reaction we have that can carry us through the first wave of pain. This applies whether it is a sudden death, or just learning about a terminal illness.
- Anger: When pain starts to emerge after denial & isolation, often we are not ready to handle it. This is when anger appears. It can be directed towards inanimate objects, strangers or friends & family. It can also be directed towards the person who is dying or who has died. Often health professionals are targeted as well.
- Bargaining: Occurs when there are feelings of helplessness and a need to be able to control things again. There is a feeling of vulnerability. There can also be thoughts that we wished we had done things differently e.g. Wishing you had sought out medical help earlier. Some people bargain with God or a higher power for a different outcome.
- Depression: This type of depression comes with mourning for your loved one. There can often be feelings of sadness and regret. As well you may be looking at the cost of a funeral & burial. There could also be some guilt re not spending as much time as we feel we should on other family members e.g. your Husband & children. There may be a withdrawal as you prepare to separate and say goodbye to your loved one. Offering a hug to someone at this time is most beneficial. Quietly listening to them helps them process their journey of grief.
- Acceptance: Not everyone gets to this stage and if they do it is a gift. This is a stage of withdrawal and calm. This will not be a period of happiness and it must be distinguished from depression.
Loved ones who are getting older or who are dying often go through a stage of withdrawal with less social interaction. Through these means, they show us dignity and grace and this is their final gift to us.
Coping with loss is a very personal experience, one of which is uniquely individual. Though others cannot share your experience, they can be there to support you through this journey. The best gift you can give yourself is to allow yourself to experience this grief and work your way through it. If you resist then the natural healing process will be prolonged.
Grieving is a personal process in which there is no right way to do this. There is also no time limit.
If after a long period of time you cannot get past e.g. the anger phase, professional help may be needed. There is no disgrace in asking for help if you are stuck. Sometimes a friend can fill this role as well. Please do not bottle up your feelings.
Having experienced the death of both my parents I can attest to this process of healing and indeed of going through all the stages. Though still sad when special days occur like birthdays and Christmas, I can now recall the good times with them and not just the times that they were ill and dying. Time truly does heal if you will let it. Also try not to put your loved one on a pedestal. They were not all good, nor all bad. They were human beings and as such had their share of regrets, and joys. Also try not to compare your accomplishments to theirs i.e. you find yours lacking in comparison. You are uniquely you! You are amazing! Your mother would be so proud of you for being all that you can be, and who you will become.
So here’s to the beginning of a new life! Here’s to honouring yourself and loved ones present and past. Be kind to yourself this November. You are so worth it!
Yours in health,
Sue
* P.S. Grandbaby Kennedy arrived safely on November 6th. Adored by her parents, her sister, many relatives & friends.